I’m currently in the process of vacuuming out the flooded basement of my new old house; it’s now 3:56 am. The water began seeping through the walls and floors yesterday after the recent rains we’ve been experiencing. So much for my plans of a new and positive path for my writing; because, today I must spill my guts in dire frustrations.
These past two weeks have been nothing less than a living hell and no, I have not been diagnosed with cancer, or lost my ability to walk or speak. However, what has happened is that my divine connection with the Holy Spirit has all but vanished and my steadfast faith is dwindling day after day? What on earth has caused this travesty?
Roughly two months ago I began seeing a new psychiatrist at the Kenora District Hospital. This meeting was the result of my additions councillor recommending to my family doctor that I see a specialist about my anti-depressant medications. My doctor agreed and made the referral to see the psychiatrist.
However, during the past two weeks I have witnessed life through the lens of a broken-hearted, distraught, and hopeless man. I have experienced a brief relapse with my addictions, but what’s far worse is the fact that I have fallen into a state of sever depression and utter hopelessness!
These new drugs which I am now prescribed are not working out as planned and though I am continually meeting with my doctors and psychiatrist, this matter has escalated into a terrible crisis. This is not the first time I’ve been down this road of changing anti-depressant medications and its a very difficult task in finding just the right combinations. Its something like the little eaglet first stepping off the nest; he either soars in the clouds or falls flat on his beak!
Unfortunately, I am once again finding myself questioning why some people make it though life reasonably care free, while for others it seems to be a constant and endless struggle? I’m not simply referring to someone’s wealth and comfort in life, but more to the critical issues like our physical and mental health. Some people swim while others sink and a person’s resilience to trauma or tragedy begins to falter during their later years.
Today, I’m questioning everything from my online ministry to life itself! Why do I push myself so diligently, spending countless hours writing blogs if they do little more than receive the odd positive comment? And what’s worse is that I’ve sold only a handful of books over these past several years!
If I were to add up all the publication costs of producing my four books and then calculate my hours spent writing these books and blogs at a modest level of compensation; my investment to this cause and ministry is somewhere around a half-million dollars!
Prior to subduing to a crushed spine which resulted from an industrial accident in 2006, I was regularly earning in excess of two-hundred thousand dollars per year. I think my highest was about two-fifty. And when you add the pension plan, company vehicle, and full benefits; it’s probably closer to three-hundred thousand per year. But now I receive less than 15% of that yearly income through disability benefits. Therefore, spending all my savings and extra income on writing, when it brings little to no return and apparently influences very few people seems senseless to me at this point in time?
Truthfully speaking, I am currently at a great crossroads with my life. Why should I continue sharing my testimony if it is not being heard or shared? I pray each and every day for God’s grace to help me improve upon my writing skills so that my efforts and life experiences help inspire others who are suffering and lost. But this is not happening?
Why has everything I have ever tried to do or accomplish in life failed so miserably? This statement is not about my self-pity; because that thinking helps no-one! It’s about life and the fact that life is far from being fair! My half-million dollar homes which I used to own currently look pretty darn good compared to my eighty-year-old house, with its countless problems and deficiencies.
Definitely, I should be happy to have a roof over my head; especially when you consider the reality that more than half the world’s population does not even have a refrigerator, or running water! But that does not mean I like to live in an old scow of a house! The more we once had in life but lost, the harder it is to accept the things we no longer have; like a caring and loving wife!
Poverty, loneliness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and anger are difficult things to wake up to every single day of one’s life. And to top it off, battling relentless and deadly addictions every moment of every day, is a compounding nightmare!
Where is the peace and joy I was promised in the Bible? I know they exist and it’s possible to achieve these precious things; because, I have experienced brief periods of these wonderful blessings in the past several years.
However, today is an entirely different story and according to God, there is a reason for all things. But I truly cannot see any logic or benefit to my sad state of mind and spirit?
One day at a time is all I can hope for these days; after all, this is all we truly have in life. Perhaps the new drugs my psychiatrist prescribes this morning will help me with my current negative outlook on life? I do hope so, because living in a dark and painful place is truly a curse with no equal! When you add in lifelong chronic and deliberating pain, with a mindset that provides no hope or joy; the outcome is quite inevitable.
At this point in my life I really can’t guarantee or promise anything to my forty committed readers. And though my writing days might be over I will keep on praying. Because I still believe in God and without him I have nothing; for only he can break me free from this yoke of bondage and discouragement.
I long for those days when I had many friends and a family who cared for me when I was sick or injured. Fortunately, my daughter Nicole still loves me; however, she has her own life to live and I want her to experience all that she can!
I thank God for my two black labs Tigi and Willow; for without them I would be lost to a world that has changed so dramatically over the past forty years that it is heartbreaking to witness. From ISIS to Gay Rights, the world is in a tail spin of all tailspin’s. What once was normal is now condemned and what once seemed impossible to believe, is now the accepted norm. It’s no wonder that my mind is coming apart at it’s seams!
If I can offer only one closing thought as insight for my readers, it would have to be; never judge a person or their motives till you’ve walked a day in their shoes.
Thank you and God bless.